By now, many of you will know that my book was released early, just two weeks ago. When I got the email to say it was published, I was thrilled (after recovering from spluttering my tea into my lap in surprise) and did a little dance of excitement around the lounge. This is finally it, what I’ve been working towards, 18 months of my life’s work.

An hour or so later, I noticed a warm hue as a rash started to creep up my neck. I had let my baby go, cast her into the world. But what if nobody likes her? Eeek!

I read about other writers. It appears that even well known writers like Elly Griffiths, just released her fourth crime thriller, and Peter James bestseller author of over 25 books feels that bout of anxiety when their book first enters the world. A couple of reviews later and some feedback on Face book, and I relaxed into the journey.

Last weekend I got the most wonderful parcel through the post: my personal copies of An Unfamiliar Murder. Holding my book in my hand for the first time felt like one of those times when your life is put on hold to allow you to step back and savour the moment – a memory to keep close forever; like getting married, having a child, passing a special exam.

Most of us Newbies worry about what others will think and sometimes this forms a barrier to sharing our work. But what we don’t realise is that many artists feel this way, initially. And we live in a subjective world. How often have you been to a movie, read a book, watched a show that you considered great – only to have a friend or colleague say that they didn’t like it, it wasn’t their thing?

I firmly believe that if you write about what you know, something you are interested in, something you would like to read yourself, then there will always be someone out there who will engage and enjoy. And if you never share, you’ll never experience that adrenalin rush of clutching your book for the first time. I’m sure other authors out there will agree with me – it’s worth its weight in gold.

Twitter:                @JaneIsaacAuthor

Face Book:          Jane Isaac Author

Website:           www.janeisaac.co.uk 

Jane Isaac’s first novel, An Unfamiliar Murder, is out on Amazon.com, Amazon.uk and Kindle worldwide now. Jane is still very much a Newbie and with a day job, a family and a very demanding black Labrador, she squeezes her writing into every spare moment she gets.

Episode 17

Newbie Writers Podcast

January 21  (Catharine is eating locusts from street vendors)

Guest Jane Isaac and Lyle Perez.

The Ultimate Newbie Experience.

Jane is the living proof of a newbie becoming a published author.

What was the process involved? What sparked the story idea?

Dionne Lister asks: What has been the best part of the process for her? What was her reaction when she found out Rainstorm Press wanted to publish her works?

We pick Lyle’s brain on the initial reaction to reading Jane’s draft, what was it that made him want to publish it? What tips for new writers can be drawn from this?

We find out how Rainstorm Press is going and any new authors to look out for.

Jane’s been apart of Newbie Writers since 2007, certainly longer than I have. We ask what her thoughts on how Newbie Writers has changed, how it’s progressed.

Prompt:

“Nothing happens unless first a dream” – Carl Sandburg
spend twenty minutes on your dream. What do you really want to write? Not what sells, not what you think is “you” not what you think is trendy, just what you want to write, what you want to spend a year messing around with.
Really, twenty minutes – go!

Bring out your dead:

Contributed by Anne Naylor of www.becauseofbipolar.com.au
Too late she discovered she had married a psychopath.
It was the day after their wedding and they were in the presidential suite of a luxury hotel. They were finally on their honeymoon, about to start life as husband and wife.
He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her towards him. Magic was about to happen. They slid under the covers. He kissed her gently, then pulled the blankets over her head. She was confused. Why was he holding the blanket so tightly. He knew she was claustrophobic. She struggled against him, but he was too strong. He wouldn’t release her.
A foul stench filled the air. Surely not. He couldn’t have. He wouldn’t have. But undeniably, he had. The assault on her senses was silent, but deadly. Finally, after an eternity, he pulled back the blankets and she gasped as she gulped unpolluted air.
She was furious. Shocked and horrified. She berated herself for marrying a psychopath. Well, if not a psychopath, then a fifteen year old boy masquerading as a twenty-five year old man. He laughed, clearly very pleased with himself. ‘Welcome to marriage!’ he said. ‘What do you mean?’ she replied. She stared at him, bewildered. ‘It’s a Dutch oven’, he explained. A marriage ritual. It’s good luck.’
She thought it was surely a bad omen.
‘You’ll pay for this one day’, she said.
(And twenty years later, she did.)

Word of the week

www.worldwidewords.org

FUSTILUGS

In those moments when only insults will do, how good it is to turn to the inventive but unsung genius of everyday folk, whose local dialect is so often full of expressive abuse. This word, meaning a grossly fat or slovenly woman, is an excellent example.

It still has some small currency, mostly in Yorkshire I believe, though at one time it was widely known across a swathe of England ranging from Cumbria to Devon. That it will almost certainly be unknown to the object of your obloquy will add relish to your utterance, though it might not be too hard to work out it isn’t complimentary. It has rarely been written down outside dialect glossaries, but it did appear in 1621 in a long passage full of terms of opprobrium in The Anatomy of Melancholy by Robert Burton: “Every lover admires his mistress, though she be … a vast virago, or an ugly tit, a slug, a fat fustilugs”.

Shout Outs/ Sponsors:

Jane shouts out to the entire Twitter gang!

Damien says hi to Dianne Solberg and her Mum!

Rainstorm Press deal: newbie40 is the coupon. Gets you 40% off ANY purchase you make at www.rainstormpress.com

Where to find us:
Damien: www.newbiewriters.com
Jane Isaac: http://www.janeisaac.co.uk/
Lyle Perez: www.rainstormpress.com

Subscribe to us via email!

For the first time this week, I found the time to sit down and listen to the latest podcast. I have to say, I’m deeply troubled.

It was with disbelief that I listened to Damien, Anne and Dionne as they unanimously agreed that it’s perfectly acceptable to abandon a book if it’s boring or uninteresting. I’ll concede that they did describe this inexplicable activity as occurring only if, after a number of pages or chapters, they’re not drawn to the story, but I’m no less stunned. In fact, I’m breaking out into a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Distressed, I raised my concerns with a friend but to my dismay she agreed wholeheartedly with Damien, Anne and Dionne. It was then that I realised I’ve yet another trait to add to my ever-growing list of quirks and eccentricities.

Throughout my entire life I’ve never—and I literally mean never—been able to start reading a book without finishing it. Obviously, I’ve come across atrocious books that are so poorly worded you’re constantly re-reading to try to understand what the author is saying. There are dull books, ridiculously far-fetched books, and then there are those that make you wish you could grab the author by the shoulders and yell, “What were you thinking?!”

And yet, I will read each and every single word.

I certainly don’t seek out a miserable reading experience. I want to be enthralled. As Jane mentioned, I want to find writing so good I forget I’m reading. However, if I’m unfortunate enough to select a piece of less-than-acceptable literature, I feel some sort of obligation to see it through.

As a result of this compulsion, I’ve read entire works that I detest, simply because I began. And although the story may not thrill me, the pleasure I derive from the actual act of reading itself has always been enough to counteract everything I’ve come across to date.

Damien, your invitation to blog with Newbie Writers! is proving itself to be a cathartic experience. Each week I’m discovering more and more weird unique things about myself. I wonder if (Ok, secretly I hope) someone, somewhere, is just as strange as me. Anyone?

————————————————————————————
Emma is a freelance editor and writer who got her start at Newbie Writers two years ago. In her previous career she was an accountant, but escaped the numbers game to envelop herself in the literary world.

This week my fledgling flew the nest. Like any mother, I wanted to wrap my arms around her, tell her she wasn’t ready, that she needed to grow more, to develop. But I knew it wasn’t true. She was ready. It was just a matter of letting go.

After a week of burning the candle, proof reading, I emailed my script for the last time. The next time I see her she’ll have a cover on her, all grown up and ready to make her way into the world. Whilst it is a scary prospect, I know it’s inevitable. I can’t keep her with me forever.

Throughout this process, I have been asked the same question several times: Why choose the traditional route over self publishing? Hmmm. When I embarked on this adventure, I had no idea what publishing entailed. I may not receive all the royalties for my book, but for me, at this point in my writing journey, I received something much more valuable: a training.

 Together we have navigated the realms of editing, distribution, cover art, formatting. I have been nurtured into the book world, grown into a seedling, and for that I am very grateful. My publisher has had to put up with ridiculous questions in the middle of the night (luckily he’s eight hours behind me!), manouvoured the constraints of time zones for Skype meetings, and provided valuable advice on marketing.

Aside from that, Rainstorm authors have their own Face book club, where we can chat, debate, exchange ideas and support one another. Many of us are Newbies, navigating this journey together for the first time, and their support feels like a baby’s comfort blanket.

The debate over which way to jump will, no doubt, continue. But I am happy with my choice. Can’t wait to watch my baby grow and flourish in the world.

 Add Note: You can read an excerpt from An Unfamiliar Murder on my new website at www.janeisaac.co.uk  It would be great to see some of you there!

  Jane Isaac’s first novel, An Unfamiliar Murder, will be released by Rainstorm Press in February 2012. Jane is still very much a Newbie and with a day job, a family and a very demanding black Labrador, she squeezes her writing into every spare moment she gets. Join her on the rocky road from pen to publication! 

Episode 16

Newbie Writers podcast January 16  (Catharine is riding elephants in Thailand today)

Guest Anne Naylor, Dionne Lister

What do readers want?

How can we as writers’ give it to them or even know what the hell it is?

What readers want.

As an emerging writer, I want (and need) to know what readers want.
These are my thoughts.

As a reader, this is what I know:

My time is precious. I am very busy and I beg, borrow and steal time away from other things to read. There is too much to do, too little time to do it in and too much information to deal with on a daily basis. An author needs to give me a very compelling reason to start, and then continue reading his/her work.

I have a short attention span. I don’t necessarily read a book from start to finish. My eyes continually scan the pages, skip over pictures and headings, go back and look at what I have already read, read ahead or go straight to the end. I am constantly assessing whether a book is worth continuing with. If I come to the conclusion that it is not for me, I put it aside. This is also what I do when deciding whether to buy a book or not.
I read inferentially (as well as literally), which means I seek out messages that are not specifically stated in the text. I look at the words on the page and read them on ‘face value’, while at the same time looking for inherent meanings and underlying agendas. As I said, I continually make judgments about what I am reading.

If there are inconsistencies with the characters or contradictions in the plot, I think, ’I don’t get that’, ‘I wonder why she wrote that’ or ‘that doesn’t make any sense’.

I wonder if it is worth reading on. I like books that make me feel as though the author could have written them just for me, not for a mass audience. Some authors churn out novel after novel, all virtually the same. For me these books have no soul. Some authors seem to forget what it is like to be a reader.

I know that everyone is different and we all have our own tastes and preferences. Just because I am not really keen on a book doesn’t mean that it is not a good book. My sister once told me that the best book she had ever read in her life was The Shipping News. I couldn’t get past page three.

As a reader, this is what I want:

Questions to ask:
Anne says she want’s to get a good return on the investment of her time. And read books are that useful, relevant, interesting and entertaining.

Discuss each of these points:
a) useful -  Ask for examples  of each of these, or brainstorm on what a useful book is.
b) relevant – what relevant books have either one of your read?
c) interesting – what interesting books have you both read?
d) enjoyable and/or  -  And of course, what is pure entertainment?  Is it mutually exclusive from books that are useful, relevant and interesting?
e) entertaining.

I want to feel that authors have given me something of themselves.  How do you know when an author has delivered something of themselves?  What are the clues or key?  Or what do you think they are?  Or is it like porn?  We know it when we see it?
But that’s just me.

After thinking about all of this, I have changed my mind. I think I do know what readers want.  What I don’t know is how to give it to them.
Perhaps the topic should be:
How to give readers what they want?
Now, there is a dark side to working too hard to anticipate exactly what readers want, because often they don’t know what they want until some genius has delivered it.

What newbie writers sometimes do is  miss the difference between what readers want and what is trendy.  Two different things.
Readers want their genres to deliver and that includes a novel format which can deliver the brand promise in that it has some qualities:  Redemption, sword fights to the end, knighting, crowning, death, marriage.

So ask the question:  Am I delivering this paragraph because it will help make the story more clear and more interesting to the reader?  Or have I thrown in a scene that is random or gratuitous just because I think ti will be popular?
This is how summer films are made, this is how spin off sitcoms are made and this is why we think something is boring or awful, when it’s just derivative.

That’s the disadvantage , just to play devil’s advocate – Damien’s favorite game.

Prompt:

“We stand in our own shadow then wonder why it’s dark.” – Zen
This is often a refrain in our lives: we can’t, we should, we shouldn’t, it should be this way, we never do that, you should always do this. Life should turn out this way.
What about your character?  What past situation has shadowed them?  What shadows you?
Write about how stepping out of a shadow moves your character’s story forward.
Happy Writing!

Bring out your dead:

From the forums. Our very own Merkin Mysteries.

http://www.newbiewriters.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=50&t=3369

“Would you like some tea sir?” asked the plump waitress. The well dressed, middle aged man sighed with a reply, “No thank you. If you will Miss, can you leave us be for a while? We have important matters to discuss.” The waitress curtsied and waddled away. The gentleman turned back to the table and addressed the man sitting opposite him.

“Walter, why do you persist in coming here? This does nothing for my reputation as Chief Inspector, I cannot be seen wasting the afternoon having high tea. Not to mention, you are urgently needed out on the field.” The Chief sighed again and polished his monocle.

“MMM! You really must try this cake Kenneth, it’s banana and poppy seed. Such a great combination.” The Chief rolled his eyes and smoothed his moustache, clearly disgusted by Walters lack of etiquette. “The reason I come to this tea house, is I dislike the taste of ale and I’d rather steer clear of the clientele, after-all, one shouldn’t mix business with pleasure.”

Kenneth threw a paper across the table. “It’s happened again, this time a man floating down the Thames. Throat slit from ear to ear.”

Walter picked up the paper and smirked at the headline: “A Werewolf in London.” “You know, that’d make a great song title I say. What has a werewolf got to do with a chap with a permanent blow hole in the Thames?”

“Well, let’s just say the two bodies we’ve found so far have been clean shaved.” Kenneth glared at Walter for a response.

Walter finished another cake and leaned back patting his stomach. “Probably just a copycat of the murders I solved last month. The Stanton Skinner I think they dubbed him. Was a doctor who was scalping the bodies after he’d operated on them. Strange man. I’m sure this one will be easy to catch.”

“I’m not entirely sure how I can put this Walter. By shaved, I mean, down there. You know what I mean? It’s truly odd. Why would you murder someone, take their strides off and shave them?”

Walter pushed the plate of cakes away with a disgusted look on his face. ‘Take me to the body. I need to see this.”

Word of the week
www.worldwidewords.org

MUMPING

In December 2010, my local community centre in South Gloucestershire revived Mumping Night, a procession and entertainment under the notional supervision of a Lord of Misrule. Mumping is an uncommon word for this seasonal activity, mostly known in the West Country. More commonly it’s mumming, for a performance that was originally in mime or in which participants were in disguise. The name for my local performance seems to be from a confusion between mumming and another old custom of the pre-Christmas period, also called mumping.

Mumping is attached to the feast day of St Thomas the Apostle on 21 December. This used to be known in some parts of England as Mumping Day, when poor people went around their parish begging for alms. It’s from the seventeenth-century Dutch verb mompen, to cheat or deceive, but it became an English dialect word meaning to scrounge or beg.

Mumping is also British police jargon for accepting small favours such as free meals from friendly tradespeople.

Shout Outs:

Sally Sullivan on Google+ for having some bizarre posts about cats.

Add your shout outs here.

Where to find us:

Anne Naylor: http://www.becauseofbipolar.com.au
Dionne Lister: http://www.dionnelisterwriter.wordpress.com @DionneLister
Damien: http://www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters Newbie Writers on Google+

“…writing so good, I didn’t notice it.” When I first read this line in a book review, some years back, my initial thoughts were – the poor author.

As writers, we agonise over words to convey just the right message, layer our descriptions to build a certain atmosphere, craft phrases to achieve the correct imagery in readers’ minds.

There are those inspired sentences: ones that come to you into the night, those that spring into your mind in the supermarket queue. Lines that need to be scribbled down on the back of old receipts, scraps of paper, backs of hands; caught quickly before they slip away into the deep, dark abyss within our heads.

When my writing tutor cast her red pen across these precious lines, I wanted to wrap my arms around them, my babies to protect. As she whipped them out, I wanted to run to the waste paper basket, uncurl the crumpled pieces, and insert them back into my work.

Instead, I thought about books I have read. It’s no secret that I have a penchant for crime thrillers. I’m a sucker for a good page turner. It got me thinking – how many times do you see ‘spare’ words and phrases in a thriller? The simple answer is never. Why? Because they distract the reader and detract from the story. In point, they can be the difference between a reader loving or hating your book.

As those inspired lines were prised from me, I realised that in the early days I was being self indulgent. I used some prose because I really liked it, not because it either added to, or drove, the story forward. And that is what it is all about – the story. We are here to spin a good yarn.

So, I aspire towards “writing so good, I didn’t notice it.” If I achieve this, I’ll know I’ve done my job.

Add Note: You can read an excerpt from An Unfamiliar Murder on my new website at www.janeisaac.co.uk  It would be great to see some of you there!

Jane Isaac’s first novel, An Unfamiliar Murder, will be released by Rainstorm Press in February 2012. Jane is still very much a Newbie and with a day job, a family and a very demanding black Labrador, she squeezes her writing into every spare moment she gets. Join her on the rocky road from pen to publication!

Episode 15
Serious Business of Humor (It’s Humour to us Aussies… the real spelling)
Newbie Writer’s Pod Cast

“Well I thought it was funny”
~ Stephen Corbert

Comedians practice constantly, and bomb consistently as they hone what is
a very serious skill: humor.

When you try to be funny — when you work at being funny — you will not
be funny.

You all ready know how fraught with danger the average joke is. The inability
to tell a joke is a cliché in of itself. Did you hear the one about? It brings to mind
the stereotype sales person, over dressed, over excited, and filled with exclamation points, trying too hard. Just stop trying too hard.
My mother, for instance, cannot tell a joke.  And I have painful examples.

I was the first woman to burn my bra —
it took the fire department four days to put it out
~ Dolly Parton

If you are funny, it will just come out. If you work at it, you will turn off the
very people you wish to impress. The best approach to humor in the spoken
language is to tell a funny story, something amusing that happened to you or a
close personal friend. But writing something humorous is actually something we
are not often called to do. And that is a relief, since in writing you do not have
facial expressions, gestures and the encouragement of the audience to help you
with your story.

That’s why it’s difficult to write something funny.
Now, here’s what you can do.

Light humor, like adding a funny icon to your PowerPoint presentation, is
just fine. Or you can make a cute, off-hand remark to liven up a presentation.
Make a comment specifically focused on your audience to open a talk. Humor
is best used to diffuse tensions; a light comment is often best; however, when
you write, you don’t know the tensions you are diffusing, right? Working to be
funny on paper can be a much trickier project. And if you are working too hard
to make the humor work, stop.

A topical comment within a report or an email can be effective, if the report
or posting is not meant to last. A topical reference in an annual report won’t
work in your favor. It will age out and look not only silly but irreverent. You do not
want to write papers or reports or articles that quickly become irrelevant — that
would be a waste of time.
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.”
~ Mel Brooks

Mark Twain wrote: “The humorous story is American, the comic story is
English, the witty story is French. The humorous story is strictly a work of art —
high and delicate art — and only an artist can tell it; but no art is necessary in
telling the comic and the witty story; anybody can do it.

Americans are skilled at the witty or the comic story, which is good because  no experience or talent required. For American writers just go in that direction.
What about Australians?  or your own country and background?  Is there a humor tradition?  Are you experts in dark humor like the Irish?  Rowdy humor?  Just plain funny?  If you can identify that propensity and then capitalize on it. Your humorous attempts will go much more smoothly.

Do not work at being amusing. And if it is NOT your nature to write wittily or humorously, you may want to just pass on the whole humor thing in your correspondence. Be sincere,
be clever, be yourself, but don’t work to be funny, the odds that the whole endeavor will backfire are very, very high.
Save yourself. If you really want to be
funny, then just quote other people.

Prompt:

Write out your favorite joke. Now write it as if it went horribly wrong.  Wrong set up, wrong punch like,  just wrong.  If that too funny?  Or just horrible?  Write a story about someone telling a joke badly.  Or someone telling a bad joke.

Bring Out Your Dead:

Damiens crap from:

http://www.newbiewriters.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=1242

It was once said that the universe was only as large as your imagination will let it be. Even still, imagination is one thing, practicality another. John was a practical man in his early thirties who although classed as a human, referred to himself as a ‘spaceman.’ To him, a human is someone from Earth. Truth is, John had never been to Earth, to him it was a distant planet that shone brightly once every third quarter turn of the solar calendar.

That star called Earth shone brightly like an ancestral beacon that hinted of another time, a broader imagination. John sighed and looked up from his space suit as he sent another cart loaded full Quantonium X-110 up to the main cargo ship floating a mile above him. It was actually morning according to his body clock, however the infinitesimal blackness around him ‘during the day’ played eternal havoc with his sleep patterns. “Soon, soon I’ll be able to take a nice trip away, meet a girl and get a real job.” John muttered as he stifled a yawn.

Word of the Week:

COXCOMB

Coxcomb was once spelled cockscomb. The cock’s comb in question was the traditional jester’s cap, which which had a serrated red crest rather like the one on a rooster. A cockscomb was therefore a jester or fool, in the professional sense of that last word.

Shout Outs:

Amber Norrgard, http://www.laaki.blogspot.com/
Justin Bogdanovitch (http://justinbogdanovitch.com/),
Deb Pardee,
Susan May http://anadventureinfilm.blogspot.com/

Emma and her review on Itunes. Fleamailman Mr Goblin

How to Contact Us:

Catharine: www.yourbookstartshere.com @cbramkamp
Damien: www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters
Google+: Newbie Writers

Deals:

Check out http://www.rainstormpress.com and click on Books. Enter the coupon: newbie40 and this will get you 40% off ANY book you purchase! Go use it!!

Outro.

The Spidinator

————————————————————————————
Emma is a freelance editor and writer who got her start at Newbie Writers two years ago. In her previous career she was an accountant, but escaped the numbers game to envelop herself in the literary world.