Advice to my granddaughter.
How do you know he’s the right one?
There are a couple ways to tell if you are living with/marrying the right person.
Can you travel together?
Does he like his mother?
What kind of person is he when he’s drunk?
Does He Travel Well?
Have you traveled with your future spouse? If not, do. Any place, for any reason. A very dear friend of mine was considering a trip to Pakistan (during a time when it was only a little dangerous) with her boyfriend. And I encouraged her to go, because if she was still speaking to him after a trip like that (train trip through China, not recommended no matter how in love you are), then marry him. She was. They did. I was her matron of honor. They have a great marriage as well as three brilliant, near perfect children.
Travel, camp, road trip, the point is, can you do it successfully together? Or did the whole trip fall apart because you couldn’t agree on when and what to eat? Or worse, he blew up at TSA, aggravated the locals, complained about the food.
Don’t tell me you won’t ever travel, you will, in our family, it’s required.
Does He love His Mother? Too Much?
Marry a man who loves his mother, but not in a dependent/creepy/Norman Bates way. So there is a balance between loving mom and consulting her before he dresses. When you are young, and in love, you don’t always pay attention to the parents, what are parents? They don’t matter, it’s about the two of you. It’s about love, passion and sex (I know, no one has ever had sex like you two). I will concede the sex, you can own the sex, you can own the passion, but you don’t own your loved one, his family does. Check out the family. I loved my mother in law, she was funny, brilliant and held down a demanding job. My future husband didn’t know women could be anything less. I am grateful for her every day of my life, and miss her terribly.
In contrast, when my brother married for the first time, the mother of his future wife was a complete nut job and he paid no attention. His wife quickly collapsed into the same neurosis. It was an ugly divorce.
Sure you aren’t worried about the family right now. But by the time you hit your 40’s, the family will loom up like a tsunami. Make sure you reach higher ground together.
What is he like drunk? When drunk, your grandfather cleans. Really, he picks up around the house, cleans up after the party. It clinched the deal – after his mother.
Is your future husband a happy drunk? Silly drunk? Affectionate drunk? Come to think of it, what are you like when you’re drunk?
Are you dating an angry drunk? Drop him. I know, but you’ll thank me later.