Episode 20

F-Bombs Away! With special guest Dionne Lister

And here are more questions to answer

Plus a bit about conferences instead we’ll chat about Triberr.com

Special Shout Out:

Talk about Anne and www.becauseofbipolar.com.au Throw your support behind her. @AnneNaylor

I think we can both speak to these questions:

6. Does your own writing ever make you laugh or cry?
7. What made you fall in love with writing?
8. How do you feel while you are writing?
9. What other authors do you admire?
10. Do you listen to music when you write?
11. If you were not an author what would you be?
12. What are your other interests and what do you like to do when you’re not writing?
13. What are the last five books you have read?
The Immortal Life of Henreitta Lacks by Rebecca Skloorr, Build Your Writer’s Platform, by Teresa Le Yung Ryan (who is here at the SF Writer’s Conference) Own Your Niche by Stephanie Chandler (who we interviewed last week, and who is at this conference as well). The Hanging in the Hotel, by Simon Brett and Another Quiet American, Brett Dakin (about Laos). I also write up what I’ve been reading on my web site.

14. What do you get out of mentoring emerging writers?
15. What do you sacrifice to write?
We discussed this – sleep and TV
16. What is the most demeaning thing that has been said about you as a writer?
17. What do you consider your biggest failure?
18. What do you find to be the most challenging thing about writing?
19. What is your schedule when writing?
20. (The holy grail) What do you think makes a good story?

Word of the week:

defenestrate
www.dictionary.com
de·fen·es·trate
[dee-fen-uh-streyt]
verb (used with object), de·fen·es·trat·ed, de·fen·es·trat·ing.
to throw (a person or thing) out of a window.

verb
throw through or out of the window; “The rebels stormed the palace and defenestrated the President”
WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.
**www.worldwidewords.org**

Bring out Your Dead

To Die, To Sleep.

Twas the dawn of a new day,
When all the world awoke but one.
With the creep of sunlight it marked decay,
The decision wasn’t hers to die, to sleep.

Twas four times death marked its spot.
The world stopped to wonder what that achieved.
She became the lone soldier they forgot.
When will the world lay down to die, to sleep?

Twas the chance to feel Deaths touch.
The human soul is not Gods’ to reap.
No-one daren’t say “In God we Trust”.
Avenge her death when I go to die, to sleep.

Twas a time when goodbye is not enough.
And the world sighed as her soul went to leave.
Such a little world that could hold so much love.
Her only escape from pain was to die, to sleep.

Twas when time went on as if all were forgotten.
When pain turns to remembrance as it reaches its peak,
For she has now become the Chosen
The pain that was attempts to die, to sleep.

Writing Prompt:

Writer’s Block:  When your imaginary friends won’t talk to you.

Write about writer’s block.  Believe it or not, when you are really stuck in your work, try writing:  I am really stuck, over and over.  Or try writing non-stop for ten minutes.  The act alone can help you break through.

Shout Outs:

Scott Fletcher, Kevin Mcleod and Dano Songs.
Tweep Nation, Justin Bogdanovitch.

Where to find us:

Dionne Lister: http:/dionnelister.wordpress.com @DionneLister
Catharine: http://www.yourbookstartshere.com @cbramkamp
Damien: http://www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters

Episode 19- I wish to propose.

Guest:
Stephanie Chandler
Authority Publishing
877 800 1097

Our guest today is Stephanie Chandler

Stephanie Chandler is the author of several books including Booked Up! How to Write, Publish, and Promote a Book to Grow Your Business, From Entrepreneur to Infopreneur: Make Money with Books, eBooks and Information Products, and The Author’s Guide to Building an Online Platform: Leveraging the Internet to Sell More Books. Stephanie is also founder and CEO of http://AuthorityPublishing.com, which specializes in custom publishing for non-fiction books, and http://BusinessInfoGuide.com, a directory of resources for entrepreneurs. A frequent speaker at business events and on the radio, she has been featured in Entrepreneur Magazine, BusinessWeek, Inc.com, Wired magazine, and many other media outlets.
Stephanie, you advise writers to create a book proposal even if they are self publishing can you tell us more about that?
A book proposal is required when pitching a manuscript to literary agents or editors in pursuit of landing a traditional book deal. Similar to a business plan for an entrepreneur, writing a book proposal forces the author to dig in and do some important research while also planning the details of the book.
Though you can certainly self-publish a book without a proposal, this is where many new authors make some big mistakes when releasing their first books. Writing a proposal helps you differentiate your work from the competition, identify a need in the market for your materials, develop marketing plans, and create a concise and compelling manuscript.
Can you walk us through the steps?

Elements of a Book Proposal

1) Overview
An overview is typically two pages, summarizing the book, the market demand, and why you’re the best person to write the book. Even though it’s the first section in a book proposal, I usually write the overview last because it is a summary of the rest of the elements of the proposal.

2) Synopsis
This is a compelling summary of your book, typically two or three pages long. It should hook the reader and compel him to want to read more. You can also view this as an extended version of the sales copy used on the book jacket. If you’re pursuing an agent or editor, this is where you can really get their attention. The exercise of writing the synopsis helps you position your book as a must-read, while developing key talking points about why your book is great. (And it is great, right? If not, then use this opportunity to go back to work and make it great!)

3) Market Demand
Here is the place to identify your specific target audience. Better yet, quantify that market. Look for statistics on how many potential readers are out there. For example, if you have written a business book for women, find stats on how many women business owners are in the U.S.

4) Competitive Analysis
Identify five or more books that are potential competitors of your book and explain in detail how your book is different or better than each title. There are many benefits to this exercise. First, competing titles demonstrate that there is a need in the market for your subject matter. Second, this is where you can focus on differentiation for your book. You will want to understand the competition so that you can ensure that your book stands out. If you do nothing else, make sure you spend time analyzing the competition so that you can answer the question, “How is your book different from the rest?”

5) Marketing Plan
Every author needs a marketing plan, which should be in motion long before the book is in print. Agents and editors look for authors with a “platform,” which means that the author should come to the party with a built-in audience of people who are ready to buy the book. A platform can include speaking to thousands of people each year, running a high-traffic blog or website, maintaining a large mailing list (thousands of people) or having other networks that can generate impressive book sales.
Another important consideration is that agents don’t want to see what you will do, they want to see what are doing–the marketing efforts you’re making long before the book becomes reality. And remember, even if you’re self-publishing, there is an important lesson here. If you want your books to sell, you should begin building your audience early. Book marketing requires ongoing effort. Some tactics to consider for your marketing plan include blogging, social media engagement, professional speaking, writing articles, working with joint venture partners, building a mailing list, conducting media interviews, and spending time in communities where your target audience can be found.

6) Chapter Outline
Even if your manuscript is still in progress, a solid chapter outline demonstrates the flow of the book and the materials covered. Below each chapter heading, include a brief synopsis of the content within the chapter. A chapter outline should have a logical flow of information with compelling chapter titles.

7) About the Author
Here is where you should convince the reader that you are the right person to write this book. This should not be an extended biography about where you grew up and what schools you attended–unless these details are relevant to the book. Instead, it should focus on your experience as it relates to your book. Mention any previous media coverage you have received or involvement in any groups or associations that reach your target audience.

8.) Sample Chapters
When reviewing non-fiction books, most agents and editors want to see two or three sample chapters. These don’t need to be in order, but they should represent your best work.
The truth is that writing a book proposal is hard work, but the exercise of doing so will inevitably help prepare you for success–whether you plan to pursue a traditional book contract of self-publish your work.

Bring out your dead

Picasso could never paint what I have seen,
Nor Beethoven play to my heart.
There’s a place in your heart where the words still linger,
Like the warmth of a long summer day.

In his mind the world of inks and dyes collide,
To paint a self-portrait only he believes.
A picture based on guilt and pride,
The unsteady hand tries to shows us what he sees.

So tell me a different story,
Tell me something filled with joy,
Use words that I don’t normally hear.
For when the words that are remembered,
And the listening ears that finally seem to hear…
Use the words that I can paint one thousand pictures.

Word of the week

http://www.worldwidewords.org
—Michael Quinion–
G K Chesterton called the cleerihew a “severe and stately form of free verse”, but then he had been a close friend from schooldays of the man who invented it, Edmund Bentley. Indeed, Chesterton illustrated the first book of whimsical verses, Biography for Beginners, which Bentley published in 1905 under the name of E. Clerihew.

The cover of the first edition of Bentley’s book of clerihews

The form is slight but not slighting, conventionally consisting of a quatrain with the name of the biographee as the first line. The lines are of unequal lengths, rhymed AABB, often written in a flat-footed or mangled way more reminiscent of prose than verse. The first, which Edmund Bentley is said to have composed during a boring science class at St Paul’s School, was:

Sir Humphry Davy
Abominated gravy.
He lived in the odium
Of having discovered sodium.

Clerihew was Bentley’s middle name, which was given him (and which he in turn passed to his son Nicholas) to perpetuate his mother’s maiden name, Margaret Richardson Clerihew, Clerihew being an old Scottish surname. It was applied to the verse form by others and seems to have first surfaced in its own right as the name in 1928.

Another example:

Sir Christopher Wren
Said, “I am going to dine with some men.
If anyone calls
Say I am designing St. Paul’s.”

Someone who creates clerihews is a clerihewer, an appropriate term for a person who hacks such lines out of the living language.

Writing Prompt

All this information can be overwhelming to a newbie writer. Take a few minutes and write about what you do when you do nothing. Maybe you are doing it right now. What is your favorite thing to do when you do nothing? Write it down, and remember it when you get overwhelmed.

Stephanie can be found: http://AuthorityPublishing.com, which specializes in custom publishing for non-fiction books, and http://BusinessInfoGuide.com,
Catharine can be found: http://www.yourbookstartshere.com @cbramkamp
Damien can be found: http://www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters.

Newbie Writer Podcast
Episode 18- It’s My Birthday and I’ll Podcast if I Want To.
Answering questions

Traveling with the iPad, comments etc.

The Good: the iPad is marvelous for travel. It’s small, light and I carried it with me at all times ( I did buy a new travel purse, not to be confused with my good purse nor with my everyday Dooney and Bourke purses). I carried the iPad and my camera and money and if I wanted, a water bottle, but the bottle was too heavy.
The iPad turns on as soon as the cover opens, so making notes in Pages was easy. I opened it up, made a few notes, and closed it. For someone who previously traveled with a Mac Book, this instant access is like a tiny miracle.
I recommend the Pages app for 10 dollars because even though the journal apps are fun, they aren’t as easily transferrable to my main computer. I added photos to the journal entries to keep track of where and what I was doing.
The key board takes getting use to, but I became fairly proficient. It does work on busses, planes, trains, most modes of transportation (not motor bikes, you must stick with texting while perched on the back of a motorbike).
I loved the long battery life and I loved carrying one device that included email, all my books and writing. I was able to download two books from Amazon and read them immediately while in transit (from Vietnam, I tried this last year while in Syria and the books didn’t download until I arrived home, so this is an improvement).
I traveled in January 2012 – I was not the only traveler carrying an iPad. I saw people carrying iPad’s in Vientiane, while waiting at the boarder in Laos, on the plane to Bangkok. This seemed to be the new traveler accessory, considerably more flattering than a waist pack.

The Bad: The key board features the auto fill function, just like the tiny key boards on the smart phone. The auto fill is very difficult if you are writing down foreign place names.
It will also thwart your efforts to employ polysyllabic words, so there is a great deal of back spacing involved during data entry. And the foreign words and phrases are not found in the spell checker.

The Ugly:
The worst thing about the iPad is that though I could upload all my photos into it during the trip so I could see and edit on the spot, I could also organize the photos into albums, which I spent time doing – but it was on busses and planes, so it gave me something interesting to do. The problem is that when I hit the synch command to send all these great photos and albums to the main computer , the albums did not synch and the photos ended up just consolidated into one huge event. I was not happy at all.

Damien:
1. What scares you about writing?
2. What do you see yourself doing in terms of your writing in five, then ten years time? Do you see yourself making writing a fulltime career?
3. What do you sacrifice to write?

Catharine:
1. When did you know you were going to be a writer?
2. What sparks the ideas for your books?
3. How personal is your writing?
4. What is the one (most important) piece of advice you would give someone who wants to be a writer, or is a newbie writer?
5. What is your favourite thing that you have written (maybe one or two paragraphs called Bring our your living rather than Bring out your dead)? I would be very interested to hear you read a tiny bit of that work (not reams of it, of course).

6. Does your own writing ever make you laugh or cry?
7. What made you fall in love with writing?
8. How do you feel while you are writing?
9. What other authors do you admire?
10. Do you listen to music when you write?
11. If you were not an author what would you be?
12. What are your other interests and what do you like to do when you’re not writing?
13. What are the last five books you have read?
14. What do you get out of mentoring emerging writers?
15. What do you sacrifice to write?
16. What is the most demeaning thing that has been said about you as a writer?
17. What do you consider your biggest failure?
18. What do you find to be the most challenging thing about writing?
19. What is your schedule when writing?
20. (The holy grail) What do you think makes a good story?
Damien and Catharine, you don’t have to answer these questions. I have just been thinking about what I would ask you both, if I had the chance.
Thanks Damien, for having me on the show. It was a blast.
Happy writing.
Anne

Bring out your dead
Or Catharine’s favorite pieces:

Death Watch

Grief makes you hungry

Not for justice

for taco flavored Doritos
and bags of the new bites –
bite size comfort candy in
Reese’s, Heath Bar, Rollo, Goodbar
Yellow bags of tasty trash, we unconsciously eat them
by the handfuls
between hours of watching
the rise and fall
of scattering breathing by
the loved one

cookies
more chips
a bowl of “Cowboy Casserole”
that by law
should be filled with rattlesnake and buffalo
we dared my brother-in-law to eat a spoonful
he only found lima beans

The Mexican restaurant down the street
plays the soccer game loudly
followed by juke box music of an artist
who is big in Mexico City
but just background noise tonight
the noise carries comfort
California normal

it’s not a matter of questioning
the order of the universe

in a half hearted attempt
fruit was offered one afternoon

we looked up at the sky
and asked for the potato chips
the cupcakes
those cookies with coconut and chocolate

sugar to serve up more tears
life is so fucking short
pass the dessert
we will eat that first.

From Ammonia Sunrise – Finishing Line Press)

Word of the week:

RANNYGAZOO

It’s a century-old term, now rare, for a deceptive story or scheme, pranks, tricks or other irritating or foolish carryings-on. If it’s familiar to you, especially if you’re not native to its former US heartland, it may be because you are widely read in the works of P G Wodehouse. He used it a lot, and is credited with being the first person to commit it to print.

Prompt:

We are a visual culture. The automatic response to, how was your trip? Is to immediately inflict all 1,397 photos on the hapless inquirer. But often we don’t capture the essence of experience through photography.
I have a picture of me and an elephant, but what is interesting is the story of how the elephant rolled me into the Mekong. Twice.
What have you done recently that was memorable but has no accompanying photos?
is it possible to experience something and not have a photo of it?
Write about an adventure that does not have an accompanying photo.

Shout Outs:

Justhost.com
The Tweep Nation!
Jennifer Sosniak: http://www.jennifersosniakbooks.com/

Where to Find Us:

Catharine: www.yourbookstartshere.com @cbramkamp
Damien: www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters

Episode 17

Newbie Writers Podcast

January 21  (Catharine is eating locusts from street vendors)

Guest Jane Isaac and Lyle Perez.

The Ultimate Newbie Experience.

Jane is the living proof of a newbie becoming a published author.

What was the process involved? What sparked the story idea?

Dionne Lister asks: What has been the best part of the process for her? What was her reaction when she found out Rainstorm Press wanted to publish her works?

We pick Lyle’s brain on the initial reaction to reading Jane’s draft, what was it that made him want to publish it? What tips for new writers can be drawn from this?

We find out how Rainstorm Press is going and any new authors to look out for.

Jane’s been apart of Newbie Writers since 2007, certainly longer than I have. We ask what her thoughts on how Newbie Writers has changed, how it’s progressed.

Prompt:

“Nothing happens unless first a dream” – Carl Sandburg
spend twenty minutes on your dream. What do you really want to write? Not what sells, not what you think is “you” not what you think is trendy, just what you want to write, what you want to spend a year messing around with.
Really, twenty minutes – go!

Bring out your dead:

Contributed by Anne Naylor of www.becauseofbipolar.com.au
Too late she discovered she had married a psychopath.
It was the day after their wedding and they were in the presidential suite of a luxury hotel. They were finally on their honeymoon, about to start life as husband and wife.
He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her towards him. Magic was about to happen. They slid under the covers. He kissed her gently, then pulled the blankets over her head. She was confused. Why was he holding the blanket so tightly. He knew she was claustrophobic. She struggled against him, but he was too strong. He wouldn’t release her.
A foul stench filled the air. Surely not. He couldn’t have. He wouldn’t have. But undeniably, he had. The assault on her senses was silent, but deadly. Finally, after an eternity, he pulled back the blankets and she gasped as she gulped unpolluted air.
She was furious. Shocked and horrified. She berated herself for marrying a psychopath. Well, if not a psychopath, then a fifteen year old boy masquerading as a twenty-five year old man. He laughed, clearly very pleased with himself. ‘Welcome to marriage!’ he said. ‘What do you mean?’ she replied. She stared at him, bewildered. ‘It’s a Dutch oven’, he explained. A marriage ritual. It’s good luck.’
She thought it was surely a bad omen.
‘You’ll pay for this one day’, she said.
(And twenty years later, she did.)

Word of the week

www.worldwidewords.org

FUSTILUGS

In those moments when only insults will do, how good it is to turn to the inventive but unsung genius of everyday folk, whose local dialect is so often full of expressive abuse. This word, meaning a grossly fat or slovenly woman, is an excellent example.

It still has some small currency, mostly in Yorkshire I believe, though at one time it was widely known across a swathe of England ranging from Cumbria to Devon. That it will almost certainly be unknown to the object of your obloquy will add relish to your utterance, though it might not be too hard to work out it isn’t complimentary. It has rarely been written down outside dialect glossaries, but it did appear in 1621 in a long passage full of terms of opprobrium in The Anatomy of Melancholy by Robert Burton: “Every lover admires his mistress, though she be … a vast virago, or an ugly tit, a slug, a fat fustilugs”.

Shout Outs/ Sponsors:

Jane shouts out to the entire Twitter gang!

Damien says hi to Dianne Solberg and her Mum!

Rainstorm Press deal: newbie40 is the coupon. Gets you 40% off ANY purchase you make at www.rainstormpress.com

Where to find us:
Damien: www.newbiewriters.com
Jane Isaac: http://www.janeisaac.co.uk/
Lyle Perez: www.rainstormpress.com

Subscribe to us via email!

For the first time this week, I found the time to sit down and listen to the latest podcast. I have to say, I’m deeply troubled.

It was with disbelief that I listened to Damien, Anne and Dionne as they unanimously agreed that it’s perfectly acceptable to abandon a book if it’s boring or uninteresting. I’ll concede that they did describe this inexplicable activity as occurring only if, after a number of pages or chapters, they’re not drawn to the story, but I’m no less stunned. In fact, I’m breaking out into a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Distressed, I raised my concerns with a friend but to my dismay she agreed wholeheartedly with Damien, Anne and Dionne. It was then that I realised I’ve yet another trait to add to my ever-growing list of quirks and eccentricities.

Throughout my entire life I’ve never—and I literally mean never—been able to start reading a book without finishing it. Obviously, I’ve come across atrocious books that are so poorly worded you’re constantly re-reading to try to understand what the author is saying. There are dull books, ridiculously far-fetched books, and then there are those that make you wish you could grab the author by the shoulders and yell, “What were you thinking?!”

And yet, I will read each and every single word.

I certainly don’t seek out a miserable reading experience. I want to be enthralled. As Jane mentioned, I want to find writing so good I forget I’m reading. However, if I’m unfortunate enough to select a piece of less-than-acceptable literature, I feel some sort of obligation to see it through.

As a result of this compulsion, I’ve read entire works that I detest, simply because I began. And although the story may not thrill me, the pleasure I derive from the actual act of reading itself has always been enough to counteract everything I’ve come across to date.

Damien, your invitation to blog with Newbie Writers! is proving itself to be a cathartic experience. Each week I’m discovering more and more weird unique things about myself. I wonder if (Ok, secretly I hope) someone, somewhere, is just as strange as me. Anyone?

————————————————————————————
Emma is a freelance editor and writer who got her start at Newbie Writers two years ago. In her previous career she was an accountant, but escaped the numbers game to envelop herself in the literary world.

Episode 16

Newbie Writers podcast January 16  (Catharine is riding elephants in Thailand today)

Guest Anne Naylor, Dionne Lister

What do readers want?

How can we as writers’ give it to them or even know what the hell it is?

What readers want.

As an emerging writer, I want (and need) to know what readers want.
These are my thoughts.

As a reader, this is what I know:

My time is precious. I am very busy and I beg, borrow and steal time away from other things to read. There is too much to do, too little time to do it in and too much information to deal with on a daily basis. An author needs to give me a very compelling reason to start, and then continue reading his/her work.

I have a short attention span. I don’t necessarily read a book from start to finish. My eyes continually scan the pages, skip over pictures and headings, go back and look at what I have already read, read ahead or go straight to the end. I am constantly assessing whether a book is worth continuing with. If I come to the conclusion that it is not for me, I put it aside. This is also what I do when deciding whether to buy a book or not.
I read inferentially (as well as literally), which means I seek out messages that are not specifically stated in the text. I look at the words on the page and read them on ‘face value’, while at the same time looking for inherent meanings and underlying agendas. As I said, I continually make judgments about what I am reading.

If there are inconsistencies with the characters or contradictions in the plot, I think, ’I don’t get that’, ‘I wonder why she wrote that’ or ‘that doesn’t make any sense’.

I wonder if it is worth reading on. I like books that make me feel as though the author could have written them just for me, not for a mass audience. Some authors churn out novel after novel, all virtually the same. For me these books have no soul. Some authors seem to forget what it is like to be a reader.

I know that everyone is different and we all have our own tastes and preferences. Just because I am not really keen on a book doesn’t mean that it is not a good book. My sister once told me that the best book she had ever read in her life was The Shipping News. I couldn’t get past page three.

As a reader, this is what I want:

Questions to ask:
Anne says she want’s to get a good return on the investment of her time. And read books are that useful, relevant, interesting and entertaining.

Discuss each of these points:
a) useful -  Ask for examples  of each of these, or brainstorm on what a useful book is.
b) relevant – what relevant books have either one of your read?
c) interesting – what interesting books have you both read?
d) enjoyable and/or  -  And of course, what is pure entertainment?  Is it mutually exclusive from books that are useful, relevant and interesting?
e) entertaining.

I want to feel that authors have given me something of themselves.  How do you know when an author has delivered something of themselves?  What are the clues or key?  Or what do you think they are?  Or is it like porn?  We know it when we see it?
But that’s just me.

After thinking about all of this, I have changed my mind. I think I do know what readers want.  What I don’t know is how to give it to them.
Perhaps the topic should be:
How to give readers what they want?
Now, there is a dark side to working too hard to anticipate exactly what readers want, because often they don’t know what they want until some genius has delivered it.

What newbie writers sometimes do is  miss the difference between what readers want and what is trendy.  Two different things.
Readers want their genres to deliver and that includes a novel format which can deliver the brand promise in that it has some qualities:  Redemption, sword fights to the end, knighting, crowning, death, marriage.

So ask the question:  Am I delivering this paragraph because it will help make the story more clear and more interesting to the reader?  Or have I thrown in a scene that is random or gratuitous just because I think ti will be popular?
This is how summer films are made, this is how spin off sitcoms are made and this is why we think something is boring or awful, when it’s just derivative.

That’s the disadvantage , just to play devil’s advocate – Damien’s favorite game.

Prompt:

“We stand in our own shadow then wonder why it’s dark.” – Zen
This is often a refrain in our lives: we can’t, we should, we shouldn’t, it should be this way, we never do that, you should always do this. Life should turn out this way.
What about your character?  What past situation has shadowed them?  What shadows you?
Write about how stepping out of a shadow moves your character’s story forward.
Happy Writing!

Bring out your dead:

From the forums. Our very own Merkin Mysteries.

http://www.newbiewriters.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=50&t=3369

“Would you like some tea sir?” asked the plump waitress. The well dressed, middle aged man sighed with a reply, “No thank you. If you will Miss, can you leave us be for a while? We have important matters to discuss.” The waitress curtsied and waddled away. The gentleman turned back to the table and addressed the man sitting opposite him.

“Walter, why do you persist in coming here? This does nothing for my reputation as Chief Inspector, I cannot be seen wasting the afternoon having high tea. Not to mention, you are urgently needed out on the field.” The Chief sighed again and polished his monocle.

“MMM! You really must try this cake Kenneth, it’s banana and poppy seed. Such a great combination.” The Chief rolled his eyes and smoothed his moustache, clearly disgusted by Walters lack of etiquette. “The reason I come to this tea house, is I dislike the taste of ale and I’d rather steer clear of the clientele, after-all, one shouldn’t mix business with pleasure.”

Kenneth threw a paper across the table. “It’s happened again, this time a man floating down the Thames. Throat slit from ear to ear.”

Walter picked up the paper and smirked at the headline: “A Werewolf in London.” “You know, that’d make a great song title I say. What has a werewolf got to do with a chap with a permanent blow hole in the Thames?”

“Well, let’s just say the two bodies we’ve found so far have been clean shaved.” Kenneth glared at Walter for a response.

Walter finished another cake and leaned back patting his stomach. “Probably just a copycat of the murders I solved last month. The Stanton Skinner I think they dubbed him. Was a doctor who was scalping the bodies after he’d operated on them. Strange man. I’m sure this one will be easy to catch.”

“I’m not entirely sure how I can put this Walter. By shaved, I mean, down there. You know what I mean? It’s truly odd. Why would you murder someone, take their strides off and shave them?”

Walter pushed the plate of cakes away with a disgusted look on his face. ‘Take me to the body. I need to see this.”

Word of the week
www.worldwidewords.org

MUMPING

In December 2010, my local community centre in South Gloucestershire revived Mumping Night, a procession and entertainment under the notional supervision of a Lord of Misrule. Mumping is an uncommon word for this seasonal activity, mostly known in the West Country. More commonly it’s mumming, for a performance that was originally in mime or in which participants were in disguise. The name for my local performance seems to be from a confusion between mumming and another old custom of the pre-Christmas period, also called mumping.

Mumping is attached to the feast day of St Thomas the Apostle on 21 December. This used to be known in some parts of England as Mumping Day, when poor people went around their parish begging for alms. It’s from the seventeenth-century Dutch verb mompen, to cheat or deceive, but it became an English dialect word meaning to scrounge or beg.

Mumping is also British police jargon for accepting small favours such as free meals from friendly tradespeople.

Shout Outs:

Sally Sullivan on Google+ for having some bizarre posts about cats.

Add your shout outs here.

Where to find us:

Anne Naylor: http://www.becauseofbipolar.com.au
Dionne Lister: http://www.dionnelisterwriter.wordpress.com @DionneLister
Damien: http://www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters Newbie Writers on Google+

Episode 15
Serious Business of Humor (It’s Humour to us Aussies… the real spelling)
Newbie Writer’s Pod Cast

“Well I thought it was funny”
~ Stephen Corbert

Comedians practice constantly, and bomb consistently as they hone what is
a very serious skill: humor.

When you try to be funny — when you work at being funny — you will not
be funny.

You all ready know how fraught with danger the average joke is. The inability
to tell a joke is a cliché in of itself. Did you hear the one about? It brings to mind
the stereotype sales person, over dressed, over excited, and filled with exclamation points, trying too hard. Just stop trying too hard.
My mother, for instance, cannot tell a joke.  And I have painful examples.

I was the first woman to burn my bra —
it took the fire department four days to put it out
~ Dolly Parton

If you are funny, it will just come out. If you work at it, you will turn off the
very people you wish to impress. The best approach to humor in the spoken
language is to tell a funny story, something amusing that happened to you or a
close personal friend. But writing something humorous is actually something we
are not often called to do. And that is a relief, since in writing you do not have
facial expressions, gestures and the encouragement of the audience to help you
with your story.

That’s why it’s difficult to write something funny.
Now, here’s what you can do.

Light humor, like adding a funny icon to your PowerPoint presentation, is
just fine. Or you can make a cute, off-hand remark to liven up a presentation.
Make a comment specifically focused on your audience to open a talk. Humor
is best used to diffuse tensions; a light comment is often best; however, when
you write, you don’t know the tensions you are diffusing, right? Working to be
funny on paper can be a much trickier project. And if you are working too hard
to make the humor work, stop.

A topical comment within a report or an email can be effective, if the report
or posting is not meant to last. A topical reference in an annual report won’t
work in your favor. It will age out and look not only silly but irreverent. You do not
want to write papers or reports or articles that quickly become irrelevant — that
would be a waste of time.
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.”
~ Mel Brooks

Mark Twain wrote: “The humorous story is American, the comic story is
English, the witty story is French. The humorous story is strictly a work of art —
high and delicate art — and only an artist can tell it; but no art is necessary in
telling the comic and the witty story; anybody can do it.

Americans are skilled at the witty or the comic story, which is good because  no experience or talent required. For American writers just go in that direction.
What about Australians?  or your own country and background?  Is there a humor tradition?  Are you experts in dark humor like the Irish?  Rowdy humor?  Just plain funny?  If you can identify that propensity and then capitalize on it. Your humorous attempts will go much more smoothly.

Do not work at being amusing. And if it is NOT your nature to write wittily or humorously, you may want to just pass on the whole humor thing in your correspondence. Be sincere,
be clever, be yourself, but don’t work to be funny, the odds that the whole endeavor will backfire are very, very high.
Save yourself. If you really want to be
funny, then just quote other people.

Prompt:

Write out your favorite joke. Now write it as if it went horribly wrong.  Wrong set up, wrong punch like,  just wrong.  If that too funny?  Or just horrible?  Write a story about someone telling a joke badly.  Or someone telling a bad joke.

Bring Out Your Dead:

Damiens crap from:

http://www.newbiewriters.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=1242

It was once said that the universe was only as large as your imagination will let it be. Even still, imagination is one thing, practicality another. John was a practical man in his early thirties who although classed as a human, referred to himself as a ‘spaceman.’ To him, a human is someone from Earth. Truth is, John had never been to Earth, to him it was a distant planet that shone brightly once every third quarter turn of the solar calendar.

That star called Earth shone brightly like an ancestral beacon that hinted of another time, a broader imagination. John sighed and looked up from his space suit as he sent another cart loaded full Quantonium X-110 up to the main cargo ship floating a mile above him. It was actually morning according to his body clock, however the infinitesimal blackness around him ‘during the day’ played eternal havoc with his sleep patterns. “Soon, soon I’ll be able to take a nice trip away, meet a girl and get a real job.” John muttered as he stifled a yawn.

Word of the Week:

COXCOMB

Coxcomb was once spelled cockscomb. The cock’s comb in question was the traditional jester’s cap, which which had a serrated red crest rather like the one on a rooster. A cockscomb was therefore a jester or fool, in the professional sense of that last word.

Shout Outs:

Amber Norrgard, http://www.laaki.blogspot.com/
Justin Bogdanovitch (http://justinbogdanovitch.com/),
Deb Pardee,
Susan May http://anadventureinfilm.blogspot.com/

Emma and her review on Itunes. Fleamailman Mr Goblin

How to Contact Us:

Catharine: www.yourbookstartshere.com @cbramkamp
Damien: www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters
Google+: Newbie Writers

Deals:

Check out http://www.rainstormpress.com and click on Books. Enter the coupon: newbie40 and this will get you 40% off ANY book you purchase! Go use it!!

Outro.

Newbie Writers Podcast

Episode 14 31/12/2011

Character Assassination:

What do we love about books? What do we remember? Not what happens,
but rather, who the characters were, what they said. Why they said that.

We remember the characters we care most about. Why do we love Jane
Austen? Because of the intricate plots? Not really.
The story? Please, we know the story. What we love are the characters, the strong women who get into trouble because they blurt out what they are thinking, the handsome hero who is just misunderstood, the spunky friend from whom we wish as much happiness as we do wish for the heroine. We love a good character.

Listen to what you say when you play a movie for the fifth time, it’s not
about the plot or the story — you just want to see the hero or heroine again.
“I love him.” You murmur under your breath.

Character is why there is star power in Hollywood. Do we watch Brad Pitt
because he has a reputation for starring in great plot-driven films? No, we do
not. Some people, who will remain nameless, would be happy watching Mr.
Pitt sell laundry soap. It’s about character, charm, personality — if that sounds
like a beauty pageant, you are not too far off.

Create a great character, Sherlock Holmes, Ulysses, Beowulf, Emma,
Chewbacca, Bridget Jones and half the novel, the very important part of the novel, is done. Now, give this great character something to do.

“First, find out what your hero wants. Then just follow him.”
~Ray Bradbury

There are books and books and web sites and web sites and classes and
classes on how to create great characters. There is information on how to
describe them, make an astrological chart for them, and write up their back-
ground. You can create notes on why or how your character will behave in
a certain way given a certain situation. You can control the time line of the
character’s childhood. You can know everything about your character: favorite
color, childhood trauma; when the parent’s immigrated; the name of their
favorite pet now long dead …

All of this work can be excellent exercises, and valuable as you flex your
writing muscles; however, most writers will confess that their characters, the
good characters, are not so easily controlled. What many of us have discovered
is as soon as you think you know everything about your character and as
soon as you sit down and think, well today my character will drive to the store,
fight a dragon, and fall in love with the prince — they will not cooperate.

Like children, fictional characters are strangely resistant to The Plan. You
create the calendar of success, you’ve noted the benchmarks of development,
and you organize and strategize. You deliver the children to their piano,
trumpet, bongo lessons, you drive them to band, ballet, tumbling practices, and
you sit on the sidelines during game after game and what happens? Your child
becomes a chicken farmer, which was not on that list you created for them on
their second birthday — Careers Mom Thinks You Should Pursue.

Fictional characters will do much the same thing. Characters in your story
or novel will just blurt out comments, create their own action and in general
race away from you leaving you with very little choice except to hold on.
This is good.

The way to get a handle on the run-away character is to take notes as the
traits and details about your characters emerge on their own.
If your character tumbles out on the pages, just keep a notebook handy
and mark down the color of her eyes, size of his biceps, or kind of coffee he
drinks. That helps with the consistency as well as keeping you and your character on track. The picture will emerge. Write it down as it comes into focus.

Prompt:

”Find out who you are then do it on purpose.” – Dolly Parton

The idea of being only yourself is essential to YA novels, It’s the trope of the misfit child or the girl who doesn’t fit in – the classic ugly ducking story. What does this idea engender for you and for fictional opportunities? Do you have a character who does what they do on purpose? Do they have regrets? Are they huge, big personalities who don’t realize their potential until adulthood? Are you?

Bring out your dead:

Fashion Magazine Editors Apologize
We are sorry we encouraged women to blindly follow the dictates of male fashion designers whom we still aren’t completely sure like women at all.

We are sorry about the mini skirt every time we resurrect it.

We are sorry about Kate Moss.

We would be sorry about Manolo Blahnik shoes but the chiropractic association, the Loose Affiliation of Lumbar Surgeons and the Association of American Podiatrists have all taken to creating small shrines in their offices complete with bright pink Lobatron pumps. We are loath to disappoint such a strong lobby by even hinting that women would be better off hiking around in Birkenstocks, an invention of dubious fashion value. We hoped we atoned for that by running that article on the New York specialist who will, for a large fee, inject the soles of your feet with extra silicon to make that cushion of flesh at the ball of your foot thicker and more shock absorbent so your high heels can continue to be worn.

We are truly sorry about that quote from Donna Karan, “The new black is lighter,”
(Conversely, no one was sorry about The New Red).

We all know that Fashion is cyclical, even we are sorry the cycle came back to those dreary shirtwaist dresses from the seventies, recreated at a cost of $1000 a pop.

We’re sorry about that sales person from Barney’s who said, with great enthusiasm and wonder “You can get a whole outfit here for just under $1,000!” If what you usually hear, when leaving a store is “I got out of Sam’s Club for under $1,000” then you probably shouldn’t be reading our magazines in the first place.

Word of the Week:

BOONDOGGLE

An unnecessary or wasteful project.

This typically North American term is often applied in two specific ways, either to describe work of little or no value done merely to appear busy, or in reference to a government-funded project with no purpose other than political patronage. It can also be used for an unnecessary journey by a government official at public expense.

Part of its oddity lies in its sudden emergence into public view in an article in the New York Times on 4 April 1935. This had the headline “$3,187,000 Relief is Spent to Teach Jobless to Play … Boon Doggles Made”. The “boon doggles” of the headline turn out to be small items of leather, rope and canvas, which were being crafted by the jobless during the Great Depression as a form of make-work. The article quoted a person who taught the unemployed to create them that the word was “simply a term applied back in the pioneer days to what we call gadgets today”. He suggested that boondoggles had been small items of leatherwork which were made by cowboys on idle days as decorations for their saddles.

The word instantly became famous. It seems that Americans had been feeling the lack of a good word to describe unnecessary, wasteful, or fraudulent projects and leapt upon it with delight.

Shout Outs:

Dee Solberg, Dae McD, Franklin Ross on Google+ follow them!

Anne Naylor and her site www.becauseofbipolar.com.au.

Stats summary of Newbie Writers for 2011:

Unique visitors: 40,875

Number of visits: 104,920

Pages: 1,315,440

Hits: 1,690,678

Bandwidth: 504.04 GB

Most downloaded podcasts:
Full Partial

/podcast/episodeoneNWP.mp3 221 1,840
/podcast/episodeelevenNWP.mp3 98 1,202

How to contact us!

Catharine: www.yourbookstartshere.com
twitter: @cbramkamp
Damien: www.newbiewriters.com
twitter: @newbiewriters
google+: Newbie Writers

Outro.

Newbie writers podcast

Episode 13
Under the Hood
What’s in a Novel?

Show case stories on site, have writers on podcast. Submit two to Lyle.
My Education on Other Beings – Renelaine B. Pfister
Their House – Jennifer J Carr

What exactly is in the Average Novel?
Plot: What happens in your book? There are three basic plots:
Man versus Man
Man versus Machine
Man versus Nature

As you may have already suspected, Shakespeare did take all the good plots,
but don’t despair, you can take them right back again — there is no statute of
limitations on borrowing in literature. Unless you borrow directly from a rather
recent publication (see plagiarism).

Plot explains how the protagonist moves from one set of challenges to the next.
Plot also includes why the protagonist feels it is necessary to defeat the villain
and endure countless adventures or trials in order to do so.
In more modern tales the villain too will have motivation and a reason for
not wanting the hero to succeed.

What is the story?
Story is the drama; story informs what path the hero (or heroine) will take
on his or her quest. Story is how and why the heroine and her sidekick man-
age to get through their trials and trails. Story is about whom the heroine
meets on the way. The story is what happens next.

The plot holds the story together, gives background, and provides motives. The plot holds the reasons why,
story tells the reader what happens next.

Writing Prompt:

I love holiday letters that chronicle perfect families,  wonderful lives, but gloss over some of the rough parts: the latest arrest, another  job loss, the school record for detentions served.

What would happen if we sent our friends and family holiday cards that spoke the absolute truth? Would our year look different from what   what we post on Facebook?  Would our holiday missives sound  different if they weren’t mailed to elderly aunts and cousins we still want to impress?

What does that look like?

Write a holiday letter than only tells the truth.
Don’t mail it.

Word of the Week:

CASCABEL

You might judge the age and geographical origin of a dictionary by looking up the definition of this word. Modern ones, especially those with an American focus, are likely to tell you it’s the name of a medium-hot chilli (though, being American, they will spell it chili, or sometimes chile). Older ones, especially British, will more commonly say it’s the knob on the back end of a muzzle-loading cannon.

words found from: http://www.worldwidewords.org

Bring out your dead:

Signs you are a book addict.
Early signs of bibliolic problems start young, Harry Potter hasn’t helped at all. Kids sequester themselves into comfortable e hiding places and get lost in books. Children on the way to addiction spend many afternoons figuring out how to walk home and read a book without walking into street lamp poles. An early intervention program begins with picture flyers posted in the library where at-risk kids hide out from healthy activities at recess and read through the Little House series. These same children concoct various excuses to get out of PE so again, they can escape to the library and read biographies. Teachers sometimes miss the early warning signs of book addiction (Biblioaddiction) because it’s so silent and insidious, it’s difficult to pick out the kids who are studying required assignments and those who are reading for pure enjoyment the only clues are expressions of delight and a disregard for the warning bell, needing to read just one more paragraph.

Hi, I’m a bibliolic and I managed to watch three hours of TV last night.

In grown ups the addiction becomes much worse, as they have access to credit and are likely to stop by the book store right after being paid and blowing a sizable chunk of money on a hardback copy of the history of the world, part II and the full chronicles of Medieval life. They have to sneak the books in after dark, slip them onto the crowded book shelves and claim that those books were always there.

Shout Outs:

Like to send a shout out to the following people:

Anne Naylor and her site www.becauseofbipolar.com.au.

Dionne Lister from twitter and her site: http://redroom.com/member/dionne-lister

Susan May and her site: http://susanmaywordadventures.blogspot.com

Dianne Solberg and her site: http://ramble-inn.blogspot.com

Trish Nicholson and her site: http://trishnicholsonswordsinthetreehouse.com

AND finally an itunes review!

Where to find us:

Catharine: www.yourbookstartshere.com @cbramkamp

Damien: www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters (tweet me! and you’ll get a shout out on the show)

Newbie writers podcast-Episode 12 Romance

Introduce our guest, Sharon Hamilton author of Heavenly Love that has five star reviews – available on Amazon

Sharon, you once said  you liked romance because the girl always wins.  Can you tell us more about that feature of Romances?

I always thought that Romance, like any genre is something you must live and breath and love before trying to write it, do you agree?

Who are authors to watch and who are authors for a newbie romance writer to read?

What are some of the romance trends?

What are some of the best ways to get your romance seen?

Do Romance writers need agents or are there publishers who will take a look at their work?

Tell us about your books

What is your process for writing?

What do you recommend for newbie romance writers – words of wisdom!

Writing Prompt:

This was inspired by Sharon -  imagine a vampire working as an ER doctor.  Create someone who is not Edward from Twilight.

Word of the day:

FOOFARAW

Frills and flashy finery; a fuss about nothing.

Foofaraw is common enough in North America, though it has never become widely known elsewhere. The earliest senses were of something vain, fussy, tawdry or gaudy — baubles, bangles or beads. In time, the sense shifted to mean frivolous accoutrements or trappings,

Bring out your dead:

Since raising the heart rate for a sustained period of time, and no, we are not going to repeat that tedious formula that involves height , age and resting heart rate multiplied by the circumference of the earth and squared by the relative gravity of the planet. I just know the heart is suppose to beat at a healthy, life sustaining clip. Another word is Adrenaline rush.
For a parent at home, this is neither difficult to achieve, or sustain.
A dear friend once reported on her very successful exercise program that involved a lifecycle, a three year old and a baby. One afternoon she was able to maintain and sustain heart rate of 140 for over two hours. And she shares here how she was able to manage it.
Put children in front of Disney movie, hand them crackers.
Ride bike for five minutes
During the sixth minute strain to hear what’s going on in the family room as there are no sounds. Not even requests for more crackers.
Disembark the bike and check on the children.
Discover that the three year old, has decided to pull out just the multi-colored rainbow charms in the Luck y Charm cereal. He has achieved this by dumping the contents of the cereal box onto the middle of the living room floor.
The dog is very happy.
The mother’s ideal aerobic heart rate was completely achieved and sustained.
An additional 2,908 calories were expended during the discussion with the three year old as to why we eat all the cereal not just the charms and we don’t picked them out for later and piled them onto the just re-covered surface of Beidermeir chair. Muscle toning was achieved through violent vacuuming action all over the living room and all over the three year old. More muscle toning was achieved by lifting and carrying at arm’s length, the wiggling charmed baby up the stairs to the bathroom without smearing blue diamonds, green clovers, red moons up the stair well.
So she recommends the stationery bicycle to anyone who wants a full work out at home.

Where to find us:

Sharon: http://www.sharonhamiltonauthor.com
Damien: http://www.newbiewriters.com @newbiewriters
Catharine: http://www.yourbookstartshere.com @cbramkamp